Can an Atheist have an arranged marriage with a staunch believer ..?

I have been driven to pen this article triggered by a comment from someone close that she is an "Atheist" and that makes it difficult to consider an arranged marriage with someone who is a "believer".

I could start with  googling for the  definition of both words to set the right context. However, I would rather define the words asunder:

• An Atheist is one who has faith in the concept that there is no God responsible for the creation of the Universe or for the well being of the person. Her fate is determined by her own actions.

• The conventional "believer" however, is one who has faith in a Force external to herself that needs to be recognized and turned to from time to time for the mental strength that is needed to face the vicissitudes of life. This Faith could be based on one of the religions of the world, thereby categorizing her as a Muslim , Hindu , Christian etc. The faith could also be entirely self experienced like the thoughts that emanate from the likes of a Ramana  a Krishnamurthi, or an Osho.

[ My definition does not stress on the ritualistic aspects of religion- for me the rituals are disciplines that help avoid distractions of the external world as one reaches  outside the gross body ( either inwards or outwards) to seek answers to a troubled mind. The daily "Sandhyavandanam ritual in my religion is at once a body purification and a mind control exercise ]

So  what are the prospects of a long term life relationship between an Atheist and a believer? How many of the 50% + divorces prevalent in the western world are a result of differing faiths? A man and a woman are different biologically , emotionally and physically. There is an unexplained attraction that develops from a certain age and perhaps because of the differences ( viva la difference)  the longing for companionship persists throughout adulthood till death.

So when this longing and companionship may not be the only  raison d'etre , it certainly does dominate adulthood significantly and continuously. "Love is blind" is an oft quoted saying , indicating a total disregard for anything other than the physical and mental "love" between two people. Amongst the aspects disregarded are religion beliefs , parental approval etc. Likewise the fact that one is an Atheist and the other a believer.    

In an arranged marriage situation , in contrast to a "love is blind" approach , there are specifications and requirements that one might set forth and rightly so. The prospects of a life long association with a person based on a few hours of chat does worry the mind, At least if there is a meeting of minds on religious and other day to day living aspects it does help to minimize the possible areas of conflict. However, the meeting of mind need not be a similarity in the thought process. It could well be an appreciation of each others space and respect for that space. 

To me what is most critical in an arranged marriage is the compatibility of the two Families. Since the boy and the girl have no previous friendship,and since the parents on either side have set out to find a spouse for their child, it is imperative that the parents are on the same wavelength as far as their requirements are concerned for their respective children. This should not be the final deal maker or breaker. It should aid the boy and the girl ,who lack adequate knowledge of each other. 

07DEC14          

 

 

Thoughts on an Alumni Meet

I must confess to a vague inexplicable reluctance to participate in Alumni Meets . One amongst the numerous reasons may be the inability to face the reality of not being able to recognize faces and incidents from the past. For me, the entire 5 years at BITS Pilani back in the sixties has truly blanked out, for I do not recollect a single event, let alone friends. A strong case for a rapidly declining memory (an impending Alzh?), may be made.

Even if the good Lord had retained my memory traits, I doubt whether I would be still excited by a Meet- and that is the issue that I intend to grapple with in this blog. I find comfort in the label of an introvert. However, is this failing? Am I missing something in the passage through earth?

 More to the point- am I really an introvert? Or is there a deeper reason for shying away from such events?.

 At one level , I recognize the relevance and indeed inevitability, of “society” and “culture” impacting the quality of life. I would be miserable if I shunned society and culture and indeed I do participate in gatherings necessitated by norms of good behaviour- attend a marriage, be present in a ritual, stand up for the National Anthem for instance. I find the recluse of Swamis in the Himalayas fascinating, but find little to commend it by way of a living.

A fair number of us assembled in Pilani last weekend, on a trip generously funded by a colleague celebrating his 65^th birthday. This one was a double event. The year happened to be the 50^th since we set foot on the portals of BITS. Besides getting our Alumni Association recognized in the Limca Book of Records (for the largest association of its kind in the country), this gentleman has spent considerable sums of money on keeping the flock together over the years. Whether the costs are significant from his wealth perspective is irrelevant- he has truly gone beyond the call of duty. The Meetings have been held over the years starting from once in 4 years to almost yearly as we desperately try to beat old age.

Two evenings were spent sitting through song and dance a hot day in between in visiting the old “addas” in the College.  A few hours into the Meet realization dawned that there were a fair number like me  with fading memory and I was considerably more at ease ( though not completely out of the woods) when name stickers were distributed. The mutual hugging became more effusive as at least I was able to place a name to an unknown face.

The question that I am trying to find an answer to is the relevance of the Meet. How important has BITS (and , therefore the Association)  been, in shaping my life over the years? The short answer is very little. Except for these periodic Meets I have hardly kept even a modicum of correspondence with any of the Alumni.

If not colleagues, has the Institute in any way been responsible for my present situation in life- good or bad? I recollect the thought provoking commencement speech of Steve Jobs to the graduating class at Stanford University, when he highlighted how each significant event in our past is a “dot” to be connected to find the relevance of our present. BITS Pilani is certainly a dot, but one amongst the many dots – not THE Dot.

If I were to start acknowledging every dot in my past 66 years (School passing, the management Institute , my first job ,marriage, children, my second job etc) there is hardly any time left to live in the present! Do these Meets serve to rejuvenate mentally, ridding oneself of the nagging doubts on the relevance of life and similar questions that arise as one ages?  Truth to tell I seem to have had no such luck. I stopped attending the IIM Meets many years ago, and have no contacts with colleagues in my previous jobs. So why this affinity to BITS?

This time around it was the better half that was insistent. Whether a hidden agenda to get some shopping done in Delhi en route is the motivation I cannot tell. Jaya made friends with wives of a few Alumni. They got along gloriously sharing their years of woe with their spouses. I muddled through the two days making the appropriate and right noises. I realised in long chats with someone whom I had no contacts over the past 50 years, that we share the same concerns on the future. How does that help ?

I find more comfort in Osho and his brilliant exposition on living for the “present”. Ekhart Tolle is another writer whose thinking I support- his book “The Power of Now” impressed me, with its simplicity and seminal approach to life.  Guided by these two writers I hope henceforth I shall be able to avoid these forays into the past and stick to the present. What better present than meeting an old friend and sharing views on how to live in the now, not reminiscence on the past.  

11SEP14

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Professor I J NAgrath RIP

Even in death, Professor Nagrath maintained his stature and dignified presence. Not for him the bent, lean, sunken body and a contorted face. He looked composed, the face continuing to reflect his serious demeanour.

He continued to teach till the end (and a God blessed long life it was), as late as two months ago, when I paid my respects to him at his daughters residence in Hyderabad. He taught me in my 66^th year what punctuality is all about, what preparedness is all about. There he sat, in the sofa immaculately dressed with his traditional tie ready to receive a guest promptly at 4 PM-a student, one amongst the thousands he taught.  I go back to 1964 when the Professor was the Head of the Electrical Engineering Branch at BITS Pilani and I was a graduate student there. In those days, the student –teacher relationship was more akin to a devotee-God relationship. I had never spoken a word to the teacher then, awed by his breadth of knowledge and the sincerity of his teaching. Fifty years on, I am scarcely able to open my mouth still , the past rushing back in waves of incidents. His charming daughter Ritu and her Mother played wonderful hosts, getting me to settle down and putting up with my torrent of words expressed in nervous awe of the Professor.

Professor was hard of hearing the only handicap in an otherwise razor sharp intellect and memory as old as the mountains. He shared with me details of his early days in BITS just at the turn of independence, his distaste of the Corporate world and his quick return to the Alma Mater in early 50,s to pursue Academics. I gathered today that he finally retired from BITS in 2000. Many of comments, spoken rapidly like an excited schoolboy, were just not audible to him. The Professor never exhibited his hearing handicap. He just kept quiet and Ritu and Mother stepped in to continue the conversation. Professor eyes sparkled, however, when he talked of his 17^th book in preparation- in longhand, page at a time.  I assured the Professor that I would arrange a visit of fellow Alumni from Hyderabad to meet him. By his passing away he imparted another bit of learning – of the need to be committed to statements, or not make them at all.

His Family was around him today, the daughters and the son.  Mrs Nagrath, stoic in the moment of distress, whilst Ritu received mourners quickly relieving them of the embarrassment of what to say. His son sat throughout with his wife at the end of the room, quiet and immersed in thoughts and the second daughter (from the USA),went around offering Prasad.

In keeping with the customs of my community I slinked away without bidding adieu to the grieving family. Breathing the late morning moisture  drenched air, as I got into my car, I looked up and sent a silent prayer to the Grand Old Teacher , now with the Gods , to bless  me with some of the sterling qualities that made Professor I.J Nagrath a true Guru .

From Nutcase to Saviour : Lessons for a Business Coach

[" In Dutch offices many employees have a screensaver on their computer screens of the Christ the Redeemer statue with Van Gaal's head on it" ]

The World Cup 2014 semi final encounter between Netherlands and Argentina is  a day away, and this is an appropriate time to reflect on  Netherlands coach Van Gaal's tryst with fame. I am aware not to confuse fame with success (googled to get Erma Bombecks quotation -success is Mother Theresa fame  is  Madonna), - my interest is to  fathom how Van Gall took all those early criticisms and got to where he is today. Three years ago Van Gaal was a "nutcase" to most of the Dutch. Truth to tell, he does look odd, short and stocky in ill fitting suits ,far from the accepted image of a coach.

...and now this nutcase is a genius and a saviour. In a few hours the adjectives may become more positive or decline steeply depending on the outcome of the match. 

I wish I could get to speak to this person and  learn  how he  responded to the early barbs ( if at all he did respond) , how did he build acceptability  with the team in the context of such a poor reputation and how did he  persist  with a new pattern of play that is now credited for the success in the tournament.

At another level, how relevant is the Coach in the success of a team? Could not a stroke of luck  explain a freak performance? Just last night the mighty Brazilians were humbled to a 7-1 drubbing by the  Germans.How much of the credit should go to the Coach Lowe, and how much of the blame should Brazils' coach Scolari take? Could it not have been just "one of those days" that happens to anyone , anytime? 

The Coach and Mentor of the business world lives in relative obscurity , far from the public eye, with no deadlines to meet .  Therein lies the problem. As long as the business coach does not have to respond, nor have any acceptability issues ( the grey hairs and the past designations suffice) and does not persist with his ideas to impact the business, he is just a retiree on a pension.

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Dr Aadiya Rajagopalan: 7 years

I must admit to a bias or two 

First as a grandfather it is well nigh impossible to find fault with the personage..For the Doctor ( and not your Doctor who looks after humans but a PhD in zoology Tatha!) I am her Captain of the ship that is carrying precious animals from Chennai to Colombo. Captain Sharma to you dear reader, dressed in starched white clothes with the epaulettes ( if only you have the eyes of a 7 year old to see me ) and the swing is my ship. It is all set to sail  waiting for Dr Idhant, 3 years  ( once again not the Doctor who looks after humans , but an animal Doctor) to finish drinking his morning tumbler of chocolate. Much as the learned Doctor is as keen as the zoologist not to waste time , the drink goes down rather slowly , amidst pleadings and threats of being left behind.

Finally we are aboard and both the Doctors have checked the holds. They give the all clear signal and the swing ( what else?) swings away! Below us are the shark and alligator infested waters ( and I suppose you see only a tiled floor... what a pity!).  Whilst Dr Adiya warns us of an impending Tsunami and , therefore, the need to reach shore quickly , the learned vet has just discovered that he has left the injections behind. He is, however, confident that his tablets would suffice to cure sicknesses.

Suddenly Dr Idhant screams out a warning , there...... below in the waters is a crocodile ( which to you maybe the wooden toy seen in numerous bazaars... but then you are an ADULT dear reader with all your preconceptions and so called KNOWLEDGE.. and I cannot help you ), and Captain needs to steer clear. Dr Idhant is ashamed to see  fear written all over my face . "Never mind" he barks, I will catch it" . In  a trice he is into the sea , catching the creature and flinging it away ( Did I hear a sound of cracking wood..? )

Dr Aadiya is proud of the brave vet, for she has a protecting elder sisterly love for him."Good job" she commends and turning to the worthless Captain says sweetly "See Tatha you must not be scared." I hang my head in shame and continue to steer the ship . The tsunami can be seen in the distance and Dr Aadiya looks at her animals and realises many are sick. "Doctor Doctor..  help" she pleads. The learned vet looks closely at the creatures ( they are NOT fur toys reader!, where did you lose your senses? ) and deftly pops tablets down their throats. With Dr Idhant you are in safe hands. 

The ship reaches Colombo, but the journey MUST end... Stern voices are heard in the background as the boiled egg and the chocos cannot be left on the table anymore. The two Doctors silently get into the imaginary world of breakfast, and human beings like Tatha and Pati and  Masi ...

Cest La vie!..  

Oh yes my second bias , I do not recollect the time when I was seven to debate with you on what is real or what is imaginary. I only know that my journey , the rescue from the large crocodile, the words of assurance and the miracle cures were more real than any of my fake encounters of the living kind.

03JUL14  

Khushwant Singh and Living

No, this one is not about longevity, though Khushwants' life certainly has a tip or two on this aspect. My fascination with this man is the "Khushiness" ( Hindi for joie de vivre) that he exhibited in the public domain. My earliest remembrances pertain to the Illustrated weekly which, within months of his stewardship, became the most sought after magazine in the early sixties if memory serves me right. Since then, close to  half a century Khushwant dominated the literary scene in India. 

In a career that also included politics and  law, besides journalism, Khushwant lived to the "full" - the Frank Sinatra type of fullness-

"I've lived a life that's full

I have traveled each and every highway

And more , much more than this 

I did it my way"

The debate on the purpose of life , of atheists and theists ( and agnostics as Khushwant was) would continue over generations. For me the crunch time is when the end is nigh and you  get the opportunity to reflect on 60+ years ( if He decides on me sooner rather than later), not as a report card , but as a journey traveled over time, how am I going to "feel"? With death minutes away , this analysis at one level is weird. However, even presently, with time sometimes hanging heavily and uncertainties on the family front looming large , I am increasingly ruminating on the lessons from the past. I empathise with our Bollywood machos staring at me from their  TV commercials asking "Have I made it large?"

For me the largeness is not from a wealth or  materialistic perspective. The question to myself is "Have I had a satisfied existence?" I think that is a fair question. Having achieved the pinnacle of evolution, with a discriminating mind, with an intellect that can create , with feelings of joy and sadness, how satisfied am I as a homo sapien, in the utilization of  mind, intellect and feelings? The more I ask myself this question, the more I am convinced that satisfaction depends largely on my impact on others. In my view Hitler led a "wretched" life , his megalomania and personal hatred dominating his life, rather than the wellbeing of people. Khushwant on the other hand must surely be satisfied having spent everyday of his life in the midst of people , be they a small group in his later years , or a huge reading class during his novelist and journalist days. 

That is what Khushwants' life teaches me. His ability to socialize, to mock at himself, the never ending collection of jokes to keep others merry, his finding meaning in the humdrum of daily existence so well portrayed in his columns ( Only a Khushwant could think of "With Malice to one and All" as his column title!), are qualities that point to  a life well spent. A report mentions that he had his daily evening meet on the very night he passed away!

Khushwants life also teaches me that it is possible to keep Family a private matter. How many know that he had two children , and that his wifes name was Kawal ( thank you Wikipedia!). Compare this against the dynastic tendencies in even a first time MP or MLA in our country! 

Perhaps a Scotch a day ( or a cigar for Churchill) has a link to longevity. So be it. For me Khushwant symbolises the way life must be "lived" - in the midst of people , in bonhomie, with merriment and Bindaaz ( when is that word going to make the Oxford?).

Thank you old Sardar....and agnostic as you are, I believe you still are present amongst us in your books, columns and jokes. Yes Sir, Khuda Hafiz...        

         

14APR14

       

Leadership and Manchester Disunited !

Trust  the Brits to brand specific  football matches , calling some intra city team matches as  "Derbys" with the hype building up to the match and the spectator participation during the match taking the experience to ever new highs. 

Yesterdays match between the legendary Manchester United and Liverpool was not a Derby by definition , but it certainly was one of the most keenly anticipated ties in English League Football, between  two bitter rivals in the sport. Playing "Away" ( footballese for playing away from ones home turf) , Liverpool came off the winner by a whopping 3-0 victory. 

The Bards "Oh what a fall there was my countrymen" seems so relevant as the mighty MANU, winner of 38 trophies till 2013, in the 17 years under the leadership of Sir  Alex, walked off the field led by their new coach David Noyes.

Comparisons will follow surely- the rise and rise of MANU under Sir Alex and the fall and fall under his harried successor. The knives would be out seeking for coach Noyes head as well as the CEO. The leader takes all whether in enterprise or sports ! 

Three characteristics of a successful leader do seem to be missing under the present management:

Team spirit: A leaders true worth is seen in the prevalent  teamspirit in times of adversity. At yesterdays match the vibrancy and mutual support that one is used to watching with the great teams was clearly absent in MANU. Players hardly looked at each other as they kicked the ball around the field. In contrast, the Liverpool players seemed so much more "united" in their passes and handling of the ball. In times of distress one of the most critical activities of the leader is to address issues of motivation, drive and togetherness.

A vision: The need for a "vision" in any enterprise has been drilled into management graduates and folklore for quite a while. As long as one is successful this aspect never gets raised. However, when one is down the gurus seek out the vision of the leader. It is never too late ( even if MANU has no chances of getting back to the top 4 in the league) for David Noyes to publicly set out the way forward . The Club can hardly sink any deeper from their present position. An honest confession of the mistakes will often act as a catharsis and help the players recoup their morale.

Never say die: Supported by a vision and team spirit , the players would find it easier to adopt a "never say die" approach. In enterprises the critical moment of a shakehand to "seal the deal", is the equivalent of a goal in football. It gets tougher as you near the goal and that is when the "never say die" approach is required to clinch the sale. A vision of a future and the comfort of a team support goes a long way to success in this third aspect.  

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17MAR14           

The Aam aadmi must be different from the AAM AADMI!

Motivated by Mr Keriwals  interview in Ahmedabad , which was telecast by a Channel ( whose name  I do not recollect) , I registered on the Partys' website the next day.

And accidentally ( do believe me) I watched for a few minutes the debate on Times Now the same evening. on the "chaos" created at Churchgate station by the party followers. The programme was typical Arnab stuff-motivated, one sided, exaggerated  and His Masters Voice dominating the debate.

I am not for one minute in support of his screaming accusations on the Party .

I am on the damage created   to three metal detectors at the station. One smart follower , well versed in repartee commented that the structures were as unstable as the present government and that was the reason for them collapsing!

The Aam Aadmi Party ironically gets its acceptance precisely  because it is not a Party that wants to perpetrate the happenings of the past 65 years. It is succeeding because its message resonates with the Aam Aadmi who has tolerated the state of affairs for far too long. The aam aadmi too needs to change , much more that the corrupt politicians. If Mr Kejriwal does not condone the happenings at Churchgate, he is ignoring a major role that the Party needs to play- that of imbibing qualities of character in citizens desiring to be clean, concerned and honest citizens , valuing the rule of law. 

It would be such a brand builder for the party , if Mr Kejriwal , were to, on his own volition hand, over a cheque to the Western Railway towards the replacement cost of the three detectors. It would also send a clear unambiguous message to followers all over the country , that the Party is different and is working towards a different Aam Aadmi arising in the years to come.         

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15MAR14

The Rahul Interview- an event best forgotten

Political developments are far from the spheres of interest in my 65th year. If it was not for the sms from the better half about the interview and her request to record it , I would not have known .Unfortunately, since I did not know how to record programmes , I decided on the next best thing , namely to view it and brief her later. 

Was I transfixed - Absolutely ! glued to the set , not because of the wisdom and maturity of the interviewee, but stunned to silence by the manner in which a prospect for the Prime Ministers post completely blotched it. I recollect the speech on TV by his father speaking to the Nation on his taking over, post the assassination. It was the first time that a reluctant and grieving son was entering politics. The talk was faltering , but within months Rajiv Gandhi was equal to the best of the tribe. Here his son is supposed to have been in politics for 10 years ! His three point response to every question , related or unrelated, highlighted his lack of readiness. Is this  grand old party capable of only replacing a silent unwilling ,disinterested, ineffective man with an immature,unfocused failed politician? 

I wish I could be on the side of those who feel that Rahul is a well meaning sincere and capable leader. The interview convinced me he is none of the three. A well meaning leader would be transparent in his dealings within the party. He would stand up to the old guard who are there, not out of a passion to do good, but loaded with moolah , wishing that there will be one more time to amass wealth. If not , they can always take political Sanyas for a decade and in the interim work on those millions! A sincere leader would never side up with a Party that has as its leader, a jailbird and a shameless , unrepenting one at that. As far as capability goes, his grasp of the economy and international relations seemed pathetic, viewed in the context of his responses in the interview. 

There is talk of a churn within the grand old party , a sweeping away of fossils , cleaning the rooms for young committed persons. The first lists that emerged in the past few days talks instead, of a  status quo. To me Rahul seems to have given up the battle and whilst not physically tired ( he has hardly stretched a tenth of what a Municipal ward member would exert in canvassing) he is obviously mentally switched off. The imperious dynasty genes seems to be operational . How else would one explain the silence of the younger generation Scindias, Pilots, and a great grandson of the legendary Rajagopalachari? Their brief is limited to sound bytes in English TV. You need to have feet on the ground. Rather than be within the coterie of  Rahul , how much more worthwhile if this generation took up State level responsibility first, before seeking shelter in the air conditioned precincts of Parliament and Central party headquarters. Remember the luminaries, Venkatraman, Narasimha Rao, Patil , Tripathi all veterans of their individual States of domicile? 

I am a urban slicker, also one who has admitted that his days of active interest in politics is far gone. Very likely the Congress would come back in power, voted in by an inexplicable phenomena called dynasty politics. With Rahul at the helm I can only pray that his advisors would show the pluck to have him work on the principles the new generation are seeking, or send him packing in the interest  of our Bharat.   

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